FML!!!!!!

FUCK MY LIFE.

IM HAVING ONE OF THOSE DAYS WHERE THE NEXT PERSON TO GIVE ME EVEN THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF ATTITUDE IS GOING TO MAKE ME FUCKIN SNAP.

I WANT ANY READERS TO KNOW THAT I AM TYPING THIS BLOG EXTREMELY ANGRY.
NOT JUST ANGRY BUT ANGRY TO THE POINT THAT I COULD CRY.

I BLEW UP MY RODEO. THE MANUFACTURER WILL NOT COVER THE REPAIRS BECAUSE I AM NOT THE ORIGINAL OWNER. MY WARRANTY WILL NOT COVER THE ENGINE BECAUSE APPARENTLY THE DRAIN PLUG WAS LOOSE. SO THEYRE POINTING FINGERS AT JIFFY LUBE.

WELL OF COURSE I'M NOT GETTING SHIT OUTTA JIFFY LUBE UNLESS I TAKE IT TO COURT WHICH IS GOING TO COST ME A GRIP AND MONTHS OF TIME UNTIL IT GETS SETTLES..

MEANWHILE MY TRUCK IS NOT RUNNING AND TO HAVE IT FIXED IS GOING TO COST ME $8,642 FOR PARTS AND LABOR.

I JUST GOT FUCKED AND I CAN’T DO SHIT ABOUT IT.

I’VE PULLED A FEW STRINGS AND HAVE GOTTEN QUOTES FROM A FEW FRIENDS THAT ARE MECHANICS, WHICH OF COURSE NONE OF THIS DOES ME ANY GOOD UNTIL I GET MY TAX MONEY BACK CUZ I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT I DON’T HAVE A FEW GRAND JUST LAYIN AROUND. UNFORTUNATELY DUE TO THE RECESSSION IT SEEMS THE IRS IS TAKING A LITTLE LONGER THIS YEAR TO GET REFUNDS SENT OUT..

I CHECKED THE STATUS ON MY REFUND ON THE IRS SITE THIS MORNING.. I'M NOT GETTING ANYTHING TILL THE END OF APRIL.

SO BASICALLY FUCK MY LIFE.

Just As Lost As Ever & Lovin It.

Lately I’ve been having a hard time completely forming a decent blog.
I halfway write one then its goes nowhere so I delete it.
I’ve been thinking a lot about different kinds of relationships, marriage included && the role that sex plays in those relationships. I’ve also been thinking a lot about the term “soul mate”, what it means and if it’s even possible.
More importantly, these thoughts have forced me to ask myself if I can picture myself with one person for the rest of my life.
One person for the rest of my life? Wow.
Do you believe in having a soul mate? If you do is the person you’re currently dating your soul mate?
If not why are you dating them? That’s what dating is about isn’t it? Sorting through all the Mr./Mrs. Wrong’s to get to Mr./Mrs. Right?
Or is dating more about experience? Is it about finding the qualities you like in another person? Or is it really about you and learning how to deal with different types of personalities?
Is the time you spend “dating” just preparing you for years with Mr. Right?
Or is dating something we invented because we are really all lost and just trying to co-exist?
Marriage.. Divorce..Friends with benefits..Girlfriend.. Boyfriend..Fiance.. Baby Mama..
Where does it start? More importantly where does it end?..

Love at first sighht? Or do you have to develope love?..
Relationships are kind of like education. Even after graduation there is still more to learn. You work at it and you learn. Even after years even decades in an industry people go back to school.
Even after decades in a relationship you have to work at it.. You have to discover new things.
People are constantly evolving in every aspect. Relationships are no different.
Is being single a curse or a blessing?
At times it can be both. I couldn’t be happier right now knowing I’m single but then there’s times when I can’t help but feel like I’m alone, even though I know I'm surrounded by friends and family that love me, it’s not the same.
I’m not afraid of commitment that’s for sure. I am afraid of being stuck in a relationship I don’t want to be in. But how many of us are in relationships we no longer want to be in because it’s convenient? Or because a partner gives us a false sense of security?
Well this blog ended up being way more questions than answers. As soon as I figure any of them out I’ll blog again.

brandi

& this bird you cannot change.

I recieved some very unfortunate news yesterday.

Its news that would break my heart if its true.

Im having a really hard time deciding what to do with this information..

Its possible it was fabricated knowing it would get back to me.

God doesn't like ugly. Your supposed to forgive.

Tomorrow is promised to no one..

But this time I don't know know if I can forgive.

I can easily say the words I forgive you, but it would be a lie, I don't think I can forgive. I don't have it in my heart yet..

Ive had to be the bigger person my whole life and I don't know if I can this time.

But can I live the rest of my life being angry?

If it is true and I take no action I will be making a mistake that I will regret for the rest of my life.

Is regret stronger than anger?

Can false forgiveness over power anger?

The anger brings me sorrow, I want to let it go, but I have to do it in my own time.

Now im on a deadline.

Do I believe the news and go against everything I believe in and just accept things for what they are?

What if its not true and it was all a set up?

Even if the news isn't true now, it will be one day.

I didn't expect it now though. I didn't wanna deal with this so soon.

Im not ready to deal with all the emotions.

I know I have to find the strength to face this, I don't know if I can do it soon enough.

Im being forced by my better judgements and faith to start trying now for the first time in my life.

If I don't I will be sorry. I know it has to be me. It's not fair.

Then again, no one ever said life was fair.

“If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me? I must be traveling on now, there’s too many places I’ve got to see. If I stay here with you girl, things just wouldn't be the same. ‘Cause I’m as free as a bird now and this bird you cannot change. Bye, bye Mr. Sweet Love, you’re just a feeling I can’t change. Please don't take this so badly, 'cause the Lord knows I’m to blame.”

brandi

Substance Abuse

Well, Im finally ready to come out of denial and face my addiction.

I had to get a night job to support my problem..

..with shoes and purses.

I saw the Spring line for DOLCE&GABBANA yesterday.

I couldn't resist..

..At least I only bought 1 purse. I coulda had the wallet too, but I managed to muddle up some restraint.

<3

Bull Shit.

So since I was like 10 years old I have had this recurring nightmare about coming out of the grocery store and everyone starts screaming for me to get on the ground and curl up like a ball to protect myself.. I can never get down fast enough and before I know it I'm being flung into the air like a ragdoll by a bull that got loose that had charged at my stomach..

I have always believed this was some kind of internal conflict revolving around having red hair.. But lately the people Im with at the grocery store have changed.. In the dream I know Im with them, but I dont know who they are..

Hmmm.. My mind is a mystery to even me.. Particularly my subconcious.

"I was sure it wasn't open." -Wanda

It was locked!!!

I got a call from an AA Co. Police officer this morning asking if I was the owner of the Maroon Sante Fe..

They found Tabathas car!!!.. In some nieghborhood in Glen Burnie!!... and the window was busted, so WANDA did lock it when she parked it!!!

Woooo!! Im just glad they found it.. Now I wanna know who stole it..&& why the fuck they were in my driveway...

Utterly euphoric..

The cherry on top of a perfect weekend...

Since I got my taxes done on Saturday, within 10 days I will have the fundage to remodel my kitchen and build a shed!!!!!

Oh happy day.

The kitchen has not been updated since the house was built... In 1962!!!!!!!

New cabinets (the old ones are driving me insane), countertops, flooring and a new French door where there was a window.

Oh I just can’t wait!!

Then of course were gonna have a screened in porch added to the back of the house... And a hot tub.

;-)

Moral: You have to get lost to be found.

You ever had a smell or a song take you back to that exact moment when you first smelled that smell or heard that song?..

Of course you have, everyone has.

Friday night I was leaving my house (for a toy party that I ended up spending $50 at after vowing I wouldn’t spend a dime), and grabbed a body splash spray from my vanity...

I just happened to grab the Tropical Passionfruit, my body spray of choice when I was single about 2 years ago. I sprayed it and instantly had a smile on my face...

I was content with my life, more than content...Happy, before I sprayed it, but after I sprayed it..Now I can’t stop smiling...

I just want to keep spraying it.

I can remember it being July and being tan, tan for me, redheads don’t tend to get bronze or anything serious, and had just finished a two or three month workout period getting ready for Senior Week in OC... Single, that’s when I worked at Sunair, which is also a huge part of my life I don’t talk about too much. But in case there was any question, one of the happiest times of my life. I loved the people I worked with there. This job that was less than a half a mile from my house... Which made life even sweeter because at 5pm quittin time on Friday, I was home and ready to party by 5:05.

Anyway after smelling that body spray all evening, I had to see the ocean, I needed to be in OC, just to be on the island again, life just seems so much simpler there. Nothing to worry about except when the sun sets and rises and when the bars close… Of course it’s about thirty degrees in OC right now, actually right this second its forty six degrees (it’s on my desktop), so my partner in crime for the last few years and I grabbed a few things out of my room, including the body spray, and headed east on Route 50. (It took us about 30 seconds to decide she would drive since the Cavey gets like 60 mpg.)

Anytime either of us mentions the beach the other quickly agrees an immediate trip is necessary, so of course at this point it was after midnight on Friday, I had to be back by 5pm Saturday to get my taxes done, but we were too far involved by then, already amped for the trip not ready to be rational, LeAnn even considered taking on a pet (a hermit crab).

So by the time we had prepped at my favorite place on Earth, Exxon, and made our trip to OC it was almost 3am... after cooking on the grill most of the way there, we drive off the bridge to get onto the island and get pulled over, luckily the cop wasn’t prick of the year, and gave LouAnn a warning. We checked a few hotels till we found one that was open, finally got a room at the Monte Carlo on 3rd Street, and took an early morning stroll to the beach where it was absolutely freezing... But so familiar it didn’t even matter. We sat out there for about a half hour before crashing in the hotel...

Our little adventure ended with a short trip to the boardwalk in the AM and of course we had to visit the Panda Buffet right outside OC... Second greatest place on Earth. Stuffed ourselves with wontons, eggrolls, rice, and chicken...

Came home just in time to shower and get my taxes done, while LeAnn headed to a baby shower, then had the pleasure of spending Saturday night and Sunday morning with my brother Tyler, 13, two step sisters, Haleigh, 11, and Cheyenne, 9, and their cousins Alexis, 11, and Peyton, 7. Which I'm not gonna lie, they were so entertaining; I insisted they stuff balloons under their shirts and belly bump in the living room. Ahh good times... Loll.

Little sisters are good for a few things; Sunday morning I had a hair appointment with world famous beautician Cheyenne, if you’ve ever had long hair you know how good it feels when someone plays with it. No matter what I say they believe it, and whenever they first get to the house they rush to my shoe rack to check for new additions. Yess I know I’ve got them started young. Sometimes they get aggravating cuz the high pitched squeals never end when you put four young girls together, which I'm pretty sure I didn’t even want to tolerate when I was that age.. But then something happens that makes you forget all that. Sunday afternoon the neighbors two boxers one female, and her mate, jumped the fence into my yard.. Well when my five month old puppy tried to mount the female the male growled and broke out into a scuffle in our backyard where the girls were on the trampoline, I was in the basement with good friend Louie, when I hear this stomach curling scream, I don’t know if it’s a woman thing or if a child screaming in terror effects everyone the same, the growling of the other dog had scared the girls and Cheyenne was screaming my name to come save the dog.. Loll. Of course it wasn’t as big of a deal as it seemed to her but when I hear her screaming I dropped what I was doing and ran upstairs and from about five feet away she leaped into my arms and clung on for dear life.

The love of a child, their lives are so simple... It changes everything... I couldn’t help it but at that moment all I was worried about was making sure she wasn’t scared anymore. Even once she calmed down and I returned to what I was doing, I still couldn’t get that terrified scream out of my head, at the same time my heart swelled up when I realized why out of everyone she was screaming for me when she was scared… She looks up to me.. The pressure and responsibility of someone looking up to you is kind of scary but at the same time makes everything else seem less important, you just wanna do right by them.

Then, Sunday night, my weekend went out the same as it started... A trip around the block in the Cavey and a few episodes of Nip/Tuck.

So this weekend taught me a few things, even though I don’t want to be tied down right now and the thought of having to take care of anyone but myself makes me never want to date again, and how I want to pick up my entire life and move closer to the beach, one day I will want to settle down and have a family and forfeit my freedom to pass everything I’ve learned down to my offspring. Which will be the most important thing in my life, no matter what matters now, won’t mean anything once I have that love in my life.

This whole single thing is kind of amazing in a way. There are things I miss most definitely, but I know now that I need to do me for a while to get to the point where I want to be a wife and mother, something my mother, married and pregnant at 18 never got a chance to do... I understand now I have to be young and single and experience everything I can now so I can fully appreciate things later in life, potty training and sleeping with mom and dad cause she had a nightmare for example. loll. I always knew there were things I wanted to do before I married but I never realized that was the secret to a happy marriage, a happy life before marriage. By the time I am ready to marry I want to have done everything I could possibly do as a single white female in America, then I can do it all over again with someone I love, what more could a girl want?

Well, just had to get all that out..

&& to think it all started with a splash of Tropical Passionfruit.

Therapy comes in many forms. <3

brandi

Quote of the Week!

This is something Im gonna start doing.

This week there is three, because its been such an eventful week.

The first comes from the whole car theft incident.

"I was sure it wasn't open." -Wanda

...she just kept saying this over and over again and walking to the window and looking in the driveway. The repitition was funny.. So now everytime she says something to me i just reply "I was sure it wasn't open." No one is mad at her for the car getting stolen, it was completely out of her control, yet she feels guilty.. shes cute.

The second is somethin that has been stuck in my head from being around Mel& Steve and their crew and is the first thing that came into my mind when Wanda started screaming that the Sante Fe was gone..

"You mad!"...lol. ((Glad I locked my doors btw)).

&&The third comes from my afternoon walk today and conversation with a co-worker, who I truely believe should have her own series on Showtime.

"Crackheads don't care about food." - Bea

That just cracked me up, cause its true.

Yours Truely, Madly, Deeply, brandi.

((cuz i love that song)).

Rant with no point.

I believe to the core that everything happens for a reason.

Things are the way they are for a reason..

At this point in my life.. I am the happiest I have ever been.

I love my job, my bills are paid, I love my friends, my family is well.

I mean of course we could all use more money but Im not strugglin.

Things are coming along with the house.. Its Spring.. Finally starting to warm up..

Which has forced me to cash a much needed reality check and realize I needed to get back in shape soo.. been drinking a ton of water everyday.. I quit smoking ciggerettes, not that I was ever really a full on smoker but Ive cut down to like one or two a week at least. I usually have my Friday-drive-home-cig. Then maybe one on Saturday, if Im drinking.. Which I haven't been doing either.. been at the gym more or less everyday..

I feel good, I just can't wait until summer, I can't wait until I can throw clothes in the back of my Rodeo and head to the beach for the weekend..

AHH I love the beach.

MMmm.. That made me think of Fat Daddy's Sub Shop in Ocean City.. Oh they have the best cheesesteaks in OC.. Next time, or if ever your in OC, look em up..(They deliver.)

OOhh stomachs growling, almost lunch time.

Welcome to my neighborhood.

First of all let me start this post by saying I gave myself two blisters raking my front yard on Sunday all because of my neighbor and his stupid pine tree..

Its on the property line and all his stupid pinecones land in my yard. Asshole.

Im pretty bitter about this. In case you didnt notice.

So Sunday night came and after spending the day doing random things around the house I went to my room around 9 or 10pm.. Watched Nip Tuck till like 2am.. then got in the shower..

To go from my room in the basement to the shower you have to walk through the living room.. From my living room you can see out of our front bay window.. into the driveway..

In our driveway Sunday night sat my moms best friends Hyandai Sante Fe, my moms Sante Fe and my Isuzu Rodeo. Tabatha's (moms best friend) Sante Fe was parked all the way up against my house between the fence and my moms car.. My Rodeo was parked next to my moms car..

Tell me why the fuck someone decided to come into my driveway and not only go through my moms car.. (I always tell her to lock that shit and she nevers does.. I told her so) and take everything from the glovebox and console, but goes through Tabs car and finds her spare.. So they stole the car.. Because of where my mom and I were parked the theif had to drive around my nieghbors lawn ornaments to their driveway where they pulled onto the road..

Soo I spent Monday morning with a few of Anne Arundel County's finest explaining how the neighborhood I live in is mainly made up of retired white poeple, how theres never any crime, how a lot of people on the street leave their cars unlocked..and how I still couldn't beleive someone stood right in front of my bay window and went through my moms car while my porch light was on...

Somebody had serious balls that night.

I just hope they find her car and its not totaled.

I just wanna know who had the balls...

brandi

Untitled..For Now.

There is a fine line between love & hate.
There is a fine line between cute & creepy.
There is a fine line between genius & insanity.
There is a fine line between confidence & arrogance.
There is a fine line between crazy in bed & just crazy.

I will elaborate on this at a later date. Im going somewhere with it I just havent figured out which direction.

5/11/2009

I'm revisiting this topic, not because i figured out where i wanted to go with this, but just because everyday i discover new evidence that supports this.. Will revisit again at a later date..